Today, we will discuss some practical tips to help when learning to let go.
1. Make it about them
We often get so caught up in evaluating ourselves that we lose our true power—the ability to give back to others. Being overly focused on ourselves causes extra work and self-consciousness. We second-guess ourselves and fall prey to insidious self-doubt lurking around the corner.
This week, make an effort to make it less about you. Find ways to show up for others by being present, listening, and encouraging them. Make the interaction more about caring for others than impressing them or evaluating yourself.
Needing to impress people is exhausting, and you never know whether you have accomplished it, which feels doubly draining. Instead, think about creating a space for everyone to feel heard. That effort is much more doable and requires less work.
Happiness often lies in the value of generosity. Find charitable causes, do good work, be a great team member, and work to brighten someone else’s day. It’s more fun and rewarding than overly worrying about your performance.
2. Find Yourself.
To expand on tip #1, we often lose ourselves when we get lost in over-worrying. Our feelings and impulses are running the show, and a deeper part may need your attention.
Don’t abandon yourself. If you are worried about something, get in touch with the need under the feeling. Do you need reassurance? Support? Fun? Enjoyment? Relaxation? Do you need to feel heard? Do you need to take good care of yourself?
The art of self-love begins through self-understanding. I can’t tell you how many sessions I’ve had when I’ve asked people what they want and they respond, I want to be happy. And I ask, what does that mean to you? Only to get a blank stare on the other side of the couch.
Today, get clear on what happiness looks like to you. Is it a life of adventure? Is it spending time with those you love? Is it helping others? Is it reading books in a hammock with a glass of lemonade (that one is me). Is it watching trashy reality tv on Bravo (that one is also me).
You might find that what you want is very simple. Maybe you want to feel loved and appreciated or valued, a life full of spontaneity, or a routine you love—or all of these things. It’s not until we stop to look closer that we find what we’re searching for.
3. You deserve it.
Another truth I have found in my years as a therapist is that people think they don’t deserve better. They should be grateful for what they have and not ask for more.
I have found the opposite to be true. When we set higher standards for ourselves and others, the quality of our lives improves, providing more to be grateful for. This is not a reflection of greed, privilege, or lack of gratitude but a sign of self-worth. You can be both thankful and deserving at the same time. You don’t have to earn your place in the world; you are just as deserving as anyone else.
4. Own your disowned feelings.
When we lack self-awareness, our feelings can run the show. They can start managing us rather than the other way around.
When we impulsively act out—overthinking, overworking, over worrying, checking, double-checking, triple-checking, acting out of resentment, anger, shame, deeper pain, grief, and need—we prevent ourselves from caring for ourselves and receiving care from others.
We can let go when we feel safe. When our needs are met, it’s often effortless to allow the day to unfold naturally and easily. It is when we are scared or insecure that we fold in on ourselves. This causes a cycle of more thinking – more worry – more stress. Cycle repeat.
Instead, take note of your deeper feelings and own them. This doesn’t have to be a spiritual go-tell-it-on-the-mountain situation; it can be a simple awareness.
“I am stressed today.”
“I’m worried about my kid.”
“I’m worried others are judging me.”
“I’m noticing the need to double-check everything and over-plan.”
“I’m scared I can’t do it.”
5. Heal.
Once you have completed the above steps, take time to heal. Many times, these impulses are indicative of a deeper insecurity. Maybe you had to be high-achieving and perfect growing up (hello, oldest daughters!), maybe you didn’t feel protected by those around you, or maybe you had to grow up too soon—whatever the reason, you deserve to receive the love and care you missed.
We do this by feeling valuable enough to ask for it. We find safe people and ask for help. It can be hard for the recovering perfectionist to ask for help, but when we do, we often get the help we need—or at least the possibility of getting unstuck.
So talk to your therapist, your best friend, your partner, your dog, your cat, your mom, and your dad. Talk to someone who is safe and believes in you, and ask them for help. If they let you down, find someone who won’t. Keep going. You deserve it.
See you next week!
Love,
Kate
