So many moms are grappling with this very thing—the mom they thought they would be vs. the mom they are.
But this is true of nearly every adventure—traveling rarely goes exactly to plan, just like chasing your dreams, entering into relationships, creating art, and making a meaningful life.
Learning to let go is paramount.
When we hold onto the way we wish things could be – whether the current political situation, our health or finances, global warming, an 8th day of the week just to read, etc etc, we lose power.
We spend a lot of time and energy wanting things to be different. We are angry, self-righteous, critical, or confused.
In the stages of grief, this one is a form of bargaining.
During this stage, we so desperately want things to be the way they once were we invent all kinds of explanations, worry thoughts, magical thinking to mitigate our pain.
In the case of grief and loss, it might look like:
“If I had only been a better daughter, this wouldn’t be so bad.”
“If I had only said the right things, they wouldn’t have left me.”
“If only this happened, things would have turned out differently.”
“Maybe I can do x, then I can get y.”
The same is true when we engage in worrying, over-thinking, and over-functioning to try and manage the pain of hurt, loss, or grief. We are bargaining for an outcome we want.
Letting go might seem like the “easier” option to some, but for us over-functioners it is extremely challenging.
It means contending with the hurt and trusting the process—that things won’t all fall apart if we let go. Or if they do, we believe in our ability to put them back together again. We trust the process.
In many ways, it’s much easier to drive the car; allowing yourself to sit in the back seat is scary.
But it also allows us to see things we’ve never seen before. When driving, you are always focused on the road ahead. By learning to let go, you can admire the scenery, reflect on the changing views, and breathe.
From this space, you can also create a deeper and healthier relationship with yourself. You can connect with your hurts, disappointments, and pain to heal them. You find joy.
Holding on is often a way to attempt to control our pain and vulnerability.
But what I know about emotions is that they are coming. They will always show up – maybe they show up as exhaustion, anxiety, sleepless nights, irritation towards others, a relentless drive towards improvement. Or as disowned needs – the need for others to validate you, appreciate you, be there for you, respond to you the way you want, or understand you.
These feelings and needs are perfectly valid, but when they are disowned, they cause problems in relationships with yourself and others. You can be left feeling lost and confused.
It would be like traveling without a map. No matter how hard you try, you’re never quite sure if you’re where you’re supposed to be. Self-doubt looms ever on the horizon.
This is because you aren’t in touch with yourself, your needs, and your feelings. Therefore, they get projected onto others and your circumstances, causing you to struggle to let go and enjoy the ride.
No amount of over-planning can free you from vulnerability or grief.
It is important to realize and process the reality of how things are. We all have hurts, pains, and disappointments. We also have wishes, longing, and hope. These must coexist as part of the full human experience; when we try to squash ourselves, it can create a lot of frustration and attempts to control and hold on.
Letting go is tricky, but there is a beauty we can’t find in the driver’s seat.
Trusting the process of life is a worthwhile endeavor, and some days are easier than others. But a richer experience is waiting for us on the other side. Will you allow yourself the chance to find it?
Join us on Thursday for more practical tips on letting go. I’m looking forward to seeing you there!
